Crystal Matthews (catwoman77666) wrote,
Crystal Matthews
catwoman77666

Peaceful Morning With A Cup Of Coffee.

Early August, and I am now 27... Its weird how when you are in High School thinking about your future like there are endless possibilities.  And thinking "in 10 years from now I am gonna be like this..." yet it doesn't often come to reality.  When I graduated High School in 2006... I was expecting to get my undergraduate in Biochemistry at the University of Kent in Canterbury, England and graduate in 2010.  Then go onto becoming an integrative medical doctor.  Well... that didn't happen... 2 years into the program, and I cannot get enough money to finish my degree... so I came home to California and went to Community College... and then completed my AA.  I feel silly for doing things backwards... Now, I have nearly 5 years of college and university classes and yet... no undergrad, yet ~85,000 in student loans, that I cannot yet payback... I wanted to be an academic... discuss wonderful ideas in beautiful places... but is it too late?

Living in the desert is peaceful and beautiful, but I can't help feel like life is flying past me and I can't afford to be part of it.  Its odd, I have always known that I am a philosopher, just cause I have always thought outside the box... and I used to day-dream about Mark Twain's house... a single room log cabin that my mom and I visited once where Mark Twain did some of his writing.  I always dreamed about living in a place like that, with lots of good books, and all the time in the world to do what I will.  Now I live in a wonderful desert bungalow nearly exactly how I imagined it... just not surrounded by trees.  Hehe.  Yet... I am not entirely satisfied, I miss my friends... comrades... companions... fellow philosophers... they are all hours away, if not thousands of miles.  So far, I feel that I am out of their thoughts.  They have better things to do then visit/contact/call me.

This life is not a dress rehearsal... you only live once... 'Live to learn, learn to live.'... I used to know what these things meant, or so I thought.  Now I tend to be stressed often... weather about money... student loans... or other such deadlines and responsibilities.  How can I expect to enjoy life/ live life to the fullest when I can't afford to do so?  The best things in life aren't things... my mom used to say.  Money is a thing... a love hate relationship kind of thing.

I look to my future and still see wonderful things, yet I also fear the future... fear of failure mostly... Life is a journey, not a destination... When will I discover my soul's manifestation...  Its taken me a while to heal after my father's house was lost to foreclosure, but every year it gets a little easier.  Ironic too... Dec 21st 2012, the day the world was supposed to end, was the day we got the auction notice.  The house my grandparents moved to from England... was lost... how can I feel so responsible when I was trying to save a sinking ship?... Like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound, I should have let it go and moved on.  Focused on my life, rather then the house's death.  I hope to someday have my life back on track, and that I will become 'rich and successful' someday.

I am blessed that I do not have any problems with hardcore drugs, gambling, or other such vices... I am doing well considering all the things I have lived though.  "I cried when I had no shoes, then I met a man with no feet." - Gandhi.  I have so many things to be greatful for... yet I still lack what is very important to me... friends.  Sure, I have met a couple of wonderful people since moving to the desert, but well... my eyes have always been bigger then my stomach... and I always want more friends.  Especially now, seeing people I love post amazing things on Facebook, and knowing they are too far away to see.  Makes me yearn for the past... the good ol' days...

A lot of people I respect can see my true potential... yet why can't I?  I know its there... I am not blind... perhaps sometimes I am.  Auntie Gurdy, one of my relatives that I met at a family reunion in Canada about 5 years ago when I was 22... she told me 'do everything you want with your life.'  In a sense I already have... I have been frivolous, I have traveled, I have sung, I have danced, I have smiled, I have giggled, I have a short list of friends that know and love me.  Yet, I have many more years ahead of me, and I need to make the most of them, and continue to help all those I meet.  I cannot let the world beat me down and win... I have to fight to be myself and let my true colors shine even if it blinds some people.  I have wonderful hobbies and talents I want to share with everyone... but it requires I take a chance... a chance that they may not approve... a chance I may upset some.

Today is early August 2015... and my life will begin anew... right now.  Thank you.  Much Love.

Tags: hopeful
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