?

Log in

Crystal Matthews' Journal

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> Crystal's Photos
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Wednesday, August 5th, 2015
9:29 am - Peaceful Morning With A Cup Of Coffee.

Early August, and I am now 27... Its weird how when you are in High School thinking about your future like there are endless possibilities.  And thinking "in 10 years from now I am gonna be like this..." yet it doesn't often come to reality.  When I graduated High School in 2006... I was expecting to get my undergraduate in Biochemistry at the University of Kent in Canterbury, England and graduate in 2010.  Then go onto becoming an integrative medical doctor.  Well... that didn't happen... 2 years into the program, and I cannot get enough money to finish my degree... so I came home to California and went to Community College... and then completed my AA.  I feel silly for doing things backwards... Now, I have nearly 5 years of college and university classes and yet... no undergrad, yet ~85,000 in student loans, that I cannot yet payback... I wanted to be an academic... discuss wonderful ideas in beautiful places... but is it too late?

Living in the desert is peaceful and beautiful, but I can't help feel like life is flying past me and I can't afford to be part of it.  Its odd, I have always known that I am a philosopher, just cause I have always thought outside the box... and I used to day-dream about Mark Twain's house... a single room log cabin that my mom and I visited once where Mark Twain did some of his writing.  I always dreamed about living in a place like that, with lots of good books, and all the time in the world to do what I will.  Now I live in a wonderful desert bungalow nearly exactly how I imagined it... just not surrounded by trees.  Hehe.  Yet... I am not entirely satisfied, I miss my friends... comrades... companions... fellow philosophers... they are all hours away, if not thousands of miles.  So far, I feel that I am out of their thoughts.  They have better things to do then visit/contact/call me.

This life is not a dress rehearsal... you only live once... 'Live to learn, learn to live.'... I used to know what these things meant, or so I thought.  Now I tend to be stressed often... weather about money... student loans... or other such deadlines and responsibilities.  How can I expect to enjoy life/ live life to the fullest when I can't afford to do so?  The best things in life aren't things... my mom used to say.  Money is a thing... a love hate relationship kind of thing.

I look to my future and still see wonderful things, yet I also fear the future... fear of failure mostly... Life is a journey, not a destination... When will I discover my soul's manifestation...  Its taken me a while to heal after my father's house was lost to foreclosure, but every year it gets a little easier.  Ironic too... Dec 21st 2012, the day the world was supposed to end, was the day we got the auction notice.  The house my grandparents moved to from England... was lost... how can I feel so responsible when I was trying to save a sinking ship?... Like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound, I should have let it go and moved on.  Focused on my life, rather then the house's death.  I hope to someday have my life back on track, and that I will become 'rich and successful' someday.

I am blessed that I do not have any problems with hardcore drugs, gambling, or other such vices... I am doing well considering all the things I have lived though.  "I cried when I had no shoes, then I met a man with no feet." - Gandhi.  I have so many things to be greatful for... yet I still lack what is very important to me... friends.  Sure, I have met a couple of wonderful people since moving to the desert, but well... my eyes have always been bigger then my stomach... and I always want more friends.  Especially now, seeing people I love post amazing things on Facebook, and knowing they are too far away to see.  Makes me yearn for the past... the good ol' days...

A lot of people I respect can see my true potential... yet why can't I?  I know its there... I am not blind... perhaps sometimes I am.  Auntie Gurdy, one of my relatives that I met at a family reunion in Canada about 5 years ago when I was 22... she told me 'do everything you want with your life.'  In a sense I already have... I have been frivolous, I have traveled, I have sung, I have danced, I have smiled, I have giggled, I have a short list of friends that know and love me.  Yet, I have many more years ahead of me, and I need to make the most of them, and continue to help all those I meet.  I cannot let the world beat me down and win... I have to fight to be myself and let my true colors shine even if it blinds some people.  I have wonderful hobbies and talents I want to share with everyone... but it requires I take a chance... a chance that they may not approve... a chance I may upset some.

Today is early August 2015... and my life will begin anew... right now.  Thank you.  Much Love.



current mood: calm

(comment on this)

Thursday, December 16th, 2010
10:49 pm - Fall Term 2010
Today was my last day for this term... I had many kool classes:  Acting Fundamentals, Critical Reasoning and Writing, Social Psychology, Theory of Knowledge, and Hip Hop.  hehe.  After the intense week I had, writing my research paper for Social Psychology 'Spirituality in Healing,' writing a fun paper for CR+W about an advert about a fancy new trash can, and then doing my take-home test for Theory of Knowledge, it is nice to catch my breath and think about what I accomplished... One of the segments on my Theory of Knowledge take-home test kinda got me going... I think I went like 4 times over the word limit on this one...

6. a.  What facts-if any-do you think you know about God? (For example: the fact that God exists, the fact that God does not exist, the fact that God is against “same-sex marriage”, the fact that Jesus is God, the fact that Jesus is not God, the fact that “there is no god but Allah, and Mohammad is his messenger”, etc.)

            I think I know that:  God is a insightful non-physical entity composed of the spiritual energy/awareness/belief that all people posses; God loves all walks of life regardless of religious, mental, physical, or sexual orientation; God knows that people think differently, and in order to benefit each living thing as a unique individual, God must have many names and avenues to reach/connect to him/her/it; my concept of God is such that it will benefit me the most in this lifetime and no one will be able to convince me otherwise (as I accept all beliefs as their own path to God); and that God is Dog spelled backwards…  I have more, but they can wait.

   b.  If you think you know some facts about God, describe how you have discovered these facts. If you don’t think you know any facts about God, discuss: How COULD you discover facts about God? What mental states-if any-would discover facts about God to you?

            At the age of 6 or so, my mom started taking me to the Unitarian Universalist church, in a nutshell UUs believe that every person on this Earth as an individual has the right to search for truth and meaning in the world (no dogma).  So, since then I learn all I can from all the faith-filled people I know, and share my spiritual views (of overall acceptance) with my friends who are faithless.  However, when sharing my beliefs and faith with others I very rarely get attacked for my views and many faith-filled people love to hear what I have to say because it makes them see things in a new light.  And in the midst of intense spiritual and intellectual conversation a positive unexplainable sensation starts to form in my core (that I sometimes call the ‘warm-fuzzes’), and fluctuates depending on the level of focus on the conversation.  What I’ve gathered from all this, is that if God does indeed exist, they know my heart is pure, and sometimes the hand of God cannot reach those who have sunk so low out of faith, until someone like me (a religion-less believer) comes along and shares a spark of the spiritual radiance we all have in our hearts and the glow spreads.  It’s almost like the warm-fuzzes are this insightful non-physical entity’s way of saying thank you, for living and treating people positively.

Made me appreciate my views and my faith, and I hope some people out there appreciate reading this.  I see such a positive future and yet it is very difficult when negative shit brings you down.  But... Now is time for relaxation and Christmas Festivities.  Good times ahead.  Much Love. xox



current mood: hopeful

(comment on this)

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008
8:43 pm - A True Stranger
Its odd, I have been in England for almost 2 full school years now, and yet I feel as if I have no place to call home. I have always been the odd one out with what ever group that I socialize with. I feel that if I live in California I will turn into my old materialistic uncaring self, but if I try to stay in England and finish my degree here that I will be pretending to fit in here and become unhappy. Thus transfering to Hawaii Pacific University should be the perfect solution. However, that means that by this time next year I will be living in a place I have never been and I will have to start all over again socially. Canterbury, England is a lovely place with some wonderful people and I do enjoy it here, but how am I going to keep a smile on my face when some of the people that call themselves Doctors and Professors of this University have no want to actually teach. Life is short and no one should feel unloved or alone, but when your family is thousands of miles away and your best friends are spred over the globe ... sometimes a phone call dosent resolve the feeling of lonelyness. "Live each day at a time." Learn as if you will live forever, Live as if you will die tomorrow." XXX

current mood: gloomy

(comment on this)

Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
5:30 pm - My Current Life
Alright, I have many projects due for school and I am going to England in less then 20 days to look at schools. I barely have any of my trip planned for England. I need to be less stressed and still keep my health (always a dilemma). In less then a year I will be in a completely different situation. I just need to get through the year.

current mood: calm

(comment on this)

Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
7:55 pm - I think Im tuning Japanese
Your Japanese Name Is...

Kagami Aburakoji

(comment on this)

Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
9:28 pm - Drama: To be or not to be?
Romeo and Juliet is the fall show and I was cast as an ensemble member. The only senior in the ensemble. The other two seniors cast in ensemble roles quit. At rehearsal tonight they voted for drama council and I was one of the three seniors up for the co president positions. I didnt get it. And all it once it hit me that no matter how much I loved drama and hoped to get better at it Ill never be good. Whats to point of loving something when you dont feel your getting anything in return? Im still gonna do the show and hope for a better part in the musical, but I dont have any friends in drama and the only reason i do it is ... I dont even know. I dont feel it defines me. I just hope that in the future I will he recognized for it in some way. I guess its just right now i dont see any benifit for doing it.

current mood: disappointed

(1 comment | comment on this)

Sunday, February 27th, 2005
10:30 am - I had my blood taked
Last friday I had my blood taken to be tested for mono. ... I dont have it. I also found out my blood type ... and I am O+ and a universal doner. I have wanted to be O blood since I knew there were diffrent types and I am extreamly happy that I can give blood and help everyone!!!

current mood: giggly

(1 comment | comment on this)

Thursday, December 16th, 2004
1:22 pm - Yay winter break
I cant wait for winter break. I have a biology projet to do and I have to read to ch 17 from 0 in Huck Finn and I have to read a 400 page book with repot done but the end of break and I have AP US history notes for 2 chapters. Yay winter break. Then a German gal is staying with me cause if she wasent she would be sent back to Germany. And she is kinda gettin on my nerves cause Ive been around her like !!NON-STOP!!

current mood: pissed off

(1 comment | comment on this)

Friday, November 19th, 2004
11:19 pm - Ahhhhhhhh
I hate it how there are moments in life when all you want is someone to talk to but no ones there.

(3 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, October 24th, 2004
12:39 am - Donnie Darko
I just watched Donnie Darko again and now I wont get the idea of time travel out of my head. "Every living thing on earth dies alone." Yet there are so many that live alone.

current mood: contemplative

(comment on this)

Sunday, September 19th, 2004
9:58 am - Theme Song
Your 80s Theme Song by Kat007
One Letter From Your Name
One Number From Your Birthdate:
Eye Color:
Your 80s Theme Song:Hotel California by The Eagles
Quiz created with MemeGen!

(2 comments | comment on this)

Saturday, September 18th, 2004
6:43 pm - My Family!!!

Livejournal Family!
LJ Username
Favorite Color
Husband checkboutique
Mother buudhaluv
Father lsmeade
Sister buudhaluv
Brother tirifikt0ast
Dog stardruummer
This quiz by Rikku - Taken 65373 Times.
</a>
New - COOL Dating Tips and Romance Advice!

(2 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, September 12th, 2004
5:27 pm - Personality test
Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates aten!
your best quality isyoure pretty inside and out
your worst quality isWell, nothing I can think of
this is becauseits genetic
Quiz created with MemeGen!

(comment on this)

5:21 pm - BEER WARNING LABELS
Due to increasing product liability litigation, American beer
brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers :

WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.

WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
asshole.

WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN !!!

WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your pants.

WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol may make your think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung
Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't
remember).

WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead.

WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.

WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem
to literally disappear.

WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

(comment on this)

Sunday, September 5th, 2004
10:44 am - Undies

Undies
LJ Username
Your Undies
Who will see you in them byrodude
Who wants to see you in them annesdream
Who will steal them atableb
This QuickKwiz by lovely_mouse - Taken 89234 Times.
</a>
New! Get Free Daily Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz



Do it To it!!!!!

(comment on this)

Saturday, September 4th, 2004
12:21 am - Peppers
I went to a Peppers consert at the HOUSE OF BLUES and it was good, loud, vibrating, and Sublime-ish. There were like 3 opening acts. In the middle of the Peppers profomance a girl flashed the band and over the mic he was prasing her. People got kicked out for drinking under age. Twice a guy came up to me and asked if I would kiss him (I said no both times(they were ugly)). I asked a guy at the mercindice table what the name of one of the openin' acts was and he pointed to a guy who was standin' next to me and he was one of the members of the band and the guy I asked which band it was was there manager. I bought a CD of thiers. And it is good. fun fun fun. and now sleep...

current mood: exhausted

(comment on this)

Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
11:18 pm - Portland
I was in Portland last week it was wonderful as always. I spent another $100 on Music (CDs and Vinyl). It was worth it though. I learned that Her Space Holiday is coming to San Diago and I will hopefully be going to that. My Cuzzen Shea gave me Rocky Horror Picture Show on Vinyl along with Breakfast club. All and all it was a good week.

current mood: happy

(1 comment | comment on this)

Monday, August 2nd, 2004
3:35 pm - Bam
Its hit me that Im not at camp anymore. I was really bouncy and happy when I got home and now Im just my bored ... deppresed ... lazy ... self agian. I wish there was a telleporter between all the YRUU's houses so I could go visit everyone and distance would not be a problem. I miss everyone from camp soo much. I need to stop hangin out with Lauren and her stoner friends. I mean Gad Damn All they do is smoke. And no effence to anyone else that does but I dont and I dont want to and if it wasnt for camp I would most likly be doin that right now. At camp I was reminded that I have friends that dont smoke and Im glad I do... I need to live in Arizona!!! They need to come visit me or somethin. Everyone needs to keep in touch!!!!

This is My Photo account check it out

http://public.fotki.com/CatWoman77666/

Enjoy!!!

current mood: depressed

(comment on this)

Sunday, August 1st, 2004
1:44 am - Camp, camp, camp,... campy, camp, camp
Wow camp was fun as hell and its 1:45 in the AM and I need sleep. But will I sleep ... uh ... no. My brain doesnt work that way thats to easy. Anyway Camp was awsome Im always is glad to be on staff, and wakin you all up in the mornin when I had all my brain cells was very fun indeed. I hope Im not commin down with the plauge. I have no idea what to say. I miss everyone from camp already and thats showin for a very long 6 months till winter. Ill think of more stuff to say later till then I love you all very much.

current mood: drained

(comment on this)

Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
10:11 pm - wow
I just remembered. Wow Im a hott man.

(6 comments | comment on this)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page
LiveJournal.com